becoming bartimaeus

there is a beggar

inside each of us

dying to get out

longing to be set free

from the illusion of

strength and adequacy

a lowly pauper

waiting to be seen

and acknowledged

yearning to live out of

authentic dependence

neediness and weakness

instead of trying to

fool the world via

autonomy and control

but in order to make the leap

from falsehood to truth

we must be willing to

put on our beggar's clothes

and allow the deepest cry

of our hearts to be

Lord, have mercy on me

only then do we have

any real hope of finding

genuine transformation

wait for the Lord

What does it mean to wait for the Lord?  What does it really look like?  And why do we have such a hard time doing it?

As a culture, we’re really not into waiting—for anything.  And when we do it’s usually only because we have no other choice.  And if we’re honest, even when we do try to wait for the Lord, we’re really not waiting for him but for a favorable outcome or a change in circumstance.  Most of the time, our version of waiting for the Lord is just trying to use him to get what we want.  He is not the end, but merely a means to our preferred end.  And anytime we approach God not as the end, but as a means to an end, we’re not really approaching him at all.  We’re only trying to get our way or further our agenda.  And that’s not what waiting for the Lord is at all. 

Waiting for the Lord is just that—waiting for the Lord. Waiting for the Lord is laying aside our plans and schemes and agendas.  It is letting go of autonomy and control.  It is surrendering our wants and needs.  Waiting for the Lord is a refusal to try and manage, maneuver, or manipulate outcomes.  It is standing before God totally empty and fully open, willing to do whatever he asks and to go wherever he leads.  Waiting for the Lord is the determination not to charge ahead until we receive a word from him.

Waiting for the Lord is not just something we do until the Lord shows up.  Waiting for the Lord is God showing up.  It is through waiting for him that we are changed.  We are not waiting for transformation; it is in the waiting that God is transforming us.  We cannot do it ourselves.

Thus, waiting for the Lord involves a total dependence upon God.  It involves the realization that we cannot do things on our own.  For whenever we try to do it on our own, we cease to wait for the Lord.  That’s why the psalm says: “For God alone my soul waits in silence.”

human

i've decided to give myself

the freedom to be human

which is of course what i am

although i have spent a lot

of time and energy trying to

convince people otherwise

because any fall from grace

definitely leaves a mark

especially if it's from a height

but being human is so much

better than the alternative

albeit incredibly messy at times

it can cause a good bit of

disappointment and hurt 

but isn't that better than being

someone who does not even exist

real love comes only when you

allow others to see all of you

not just the pretty parts

all your flaws and frailties

all your failures and foibles

all your weaknesses

and vulnerabilities

for it is not until others

discover your humanness

and embrace it themselves

that there can be real relationship

that they can love the real you

for until there is true being

their love was not about you 

but was about them 

and who they needed 

or wanted you to be

and that is not really love

so i've decided to give myself

the freedom to be human

because being anything

other than that is a burden

too great for anyone to bear

clinging

help me not to cling

to how it was

because how it was

can keep me from

all that is to be

changes

the lines on  

my hands 

and my face  

tell the story 

time marches on 

it waits for no one 

 

seasons come  

and season go 

letting go becomes 

standard fare 

best get good at it 

 

children turn into adults 

knees get weaker 

eyesight begins to fail 

but God’s unfailing love 

and continual faithfulness 

endure forever